THE GREAT RED SPOT

Lex Ashley twisted the "time" dial to June 29, 1863. The "place" dial he set to Baltimore. As he finished adjusting the anti-shift temporal device, through the enclosed glass case he spied his best friend Gordon Timmons rushing through the laboratory doorway.

     "Stop!" said Gordon, bolting to his side of the glass. "Don't do it, Lex."

     "You held out on me long enough, Gordo. Now, I'm going to get what I always wanted: to relive my favorite part of the Civil War. You can come and get me in two years. I'm starting with Gettysburg and going straight through to the Appomattox Court House."

     Gordon waved his hands against the glass. "Lex, it's not ready. There is an error in the time-flux modulation unit."

     Lex ran a hand down in front of him. "You like my 1863 casual garb? You think I'll pass for a nineteenth century man?" He wore the trousers and shirt of a working man.

     "What can I say to convince you to stop?"

     Lex twisted the time-flux equilibrium dial. "I don't know, Gordo, but you've only got sixty seconds."

     Gordon pounded on the glass. "Turn it back, Lex! You can still abort. Until the parallel continuum problem is solved, I can't say what you'll find. I only know things will be different."

     "The South may win the civil war? Great. You know I've always favored the South." Lex waved. "Bye-bye, Gordo, see you at Appomattox."

     Lex watched Gordon's face pale, and then everything morphed white.

Standing on a boardwalk outside a ladies clothing store, Lex watched the sun dipping low in the western sky. Long rows of stores tainted gold by the setting sun lined a dirt road. Spying a saloon across the street, he stepped off the boardwalk.

     "Excuse me, sir. Would you like some assistance crossing the street?"

     He spun to face a young woman fanning herself. She wore a crinoline hoop skirt while donning a pleasant smile.

     "No, ma'am. Thank you. I have crossed many streets alone."

     "My, really? I hope you will forgive my speaking to you without proper introduction."

     Lex stepped back onto the boardwalk, grasped her hand, kissed it, and bowed.

     The lady whipped her hand away. "What are you doing?"

     "Being a gentleman," Lex said.

     "Then perhaps you should review your etiquette, sir. A gentleman always offers his hand to the lady, and she never, I repeat, never kisses it."

     "I'm truly sorry, miss," Lex said. "I'm Lex Ashley, and I'm not from around these parts. Please forgive me if I have offended you."

     "Rebecca Barnes," the young woman replied, offering a small curtsey. "Are you sure you will not need assistance in crossing the street?"

     "I'm not helpless, miss. After all, I am a man. Perhaps the lady would like some assistance?"

     Rebecca thrust her nose in the air. "How impertinent! Every man should know his place." She continued down the boardwalk while Lex shrugged his shoulders. Then he jumped into the street.

     Lex endured the glares of the female carriage drivers while crossing the street. He hopped up onto the boardwalk and sashayed over to the saloon door. On stepping inside, he stopped to take in the scene. For an instant he thought he had just walked through Alice's looking glass. The only things missing were Tweedledum and Tweedledee.

     A sea of dresses and petticoats surrounded the small, round tables, and most of the women smoked, drank, or played cards. An occasional man stood closer to one woman than the others, and one man sat in his woman's lap. Once in a while, a woman would reach her arm around her man or jerk him down to slam a kiss on his lips. Lex's eyes popped open wider than mayonnaise jars as he watched one woman smack the buttocks of her man.

     Around the bar loitered a collection of men and women in equal proportion. When he noticed a woman snatch a man's hand and head upstairs, Lex knew he had just arrived in paradise. Gordo had told him things might be different. Maybe men did the wash and cooked and women smoked and gambled, but here they liked to take a man to bed.

     He strolled to the bar and ten seconds later a young redhead sprang up to him.

     "I haven't seen you before. You new here?"

     "I'm Lex. What's your name?"

     "Just call me Fifi." She pursed her lips like a seductress. Taking his hand, she examined him like a horse trader would a prize horse. "What kind of financial arrangement can we make?"

     "How about free?"

     "Now, that's to my liking." Fifi grabbed his hand and led him up the steps. They sauntered down a hall until they arrived at an open door. Slipping in, Fifi closed it and rammed her lips into his. Lex found his escape in pushing her away.

     "Whoa, Fifi. Take it easy. Let's not rush it, all right?"

     "What do you use for protection?" Fifi asked, moving in on him again, biting his ears and neck.

     "Nothing?"

     "You are a daredevil," Fifi moaned, smothering his mouth with deep French kisses leaving Lex struggling to catch his breath. Fifi tore her mouth from his and pulled him toward the bed. They fell into it, stripping the clothes off each other's bodies.

     Fifi stayed with him all night, and when he awoke in the morning, they made love again. After a bath in the hip tub, Lex strolled into the main room to discover Fifi gone. A note lay on the vanity next to a ten dollar bill.

     Lex looked forward to returning to the saloon in a month. He would have stayed another night except he knew the Battle of Gettysburg was only one day away. It was nice of Fifi to take stock in his financial situation by giving him ten 1863 dollars.

     Before Lex could leave Baltimore, the presidential train rolled through. Lex just happened to be at the station inquiring about traveling north. He paused to hear the president.

     An older woman emerged from the caboose door, and after a rather lengthy introduction continued. "Now, gentlemen and ladies: I give you President Todd." A man emerged who looked just like Abraham Lincoln. A woman, about ten years younger, appeared with him. They waved to the applause and waited for it to die down. Then the woman I knew as Mary Todd Lincoln stepped forward.