THE IMPORTANCE OF HAVING A GOOD HANDBASKET

"God simply does not exist." Floyd Landers had finally said it. Not only to his fundamentalist brother Rick, who he had debated for years, but also to his family gathered in his home for the Thanksgiving holiday. Floyd glanced up from his chair at Shirley, his Vietnamese Buddhist wife. He saw her pride in him swell.

     "Prove it," Rick's wife said.

     Christine, Floyd and Rick's older sister, held up a finger and shook it back and forth. "You can't prove a negative, Edna." She held out a clenched fist. "I might have a coin in my fist. Prove to me it's not there without opening my hand. You can't do it, but I can prove to you that it does exist." She opened her hand revealing a dime. "The ball is in your court, Rick and Edna. You have to prove something exists, it's not for Floyd to prove something doesn't exist."

     Edna sneered at Christine. "And from which lifetime are you speaking? Why don't you prove to me that your reincarnation exists?"

     "There is no proof," said Christine. "Only evidence."

     Edna laughed. "And for that reason you won't get married. I'm sorry, but that's silly."

     "I've been a man in my past three lives. Quite frankly, I don't like being a woman in these times because your Christian morals are so demeaning to my gender. Take your promise keepers."

     "Please," Floyd added with a smile. "Take them anywhere away from here."

     Christine giggled. "Christian men all go to it and promise to keep their wives in their places … under the crunch of their feeble, narrow-minded, fundamentalist feet." Christine threw her hair back and offered a stern expression.

     Shirley shook her head. "Christianity is so arrogant. You think you're the only ones with the right answers and everyone else's answers are wrong."

     Floyd nodded. "Yeah. How do you know that Islam isn't God's true religion?"

     "Because," Rick said, "the Arabs run around bombing everyone in the name of their false God, Allah. You wait. One day they'll go and do something really stupid in the name of their fanaticism."

     "I see," Floyd picked up his ice tea. "But it's okay for Christians to run through the Middle East and behead any Moors refusing to convert, and to yank a race of black humans from their continent to pick your Bible-approved cotton." He sat back and took a sip. "Makes perfect sense to me."

     "Hey, Rick … Edna," the youngest brother said. "Enough getting on Floyd's case. Let's talk about your evidence. Your man Joseph in the Bible had a dream about his pregnant girlfriend's future birth of a Messiah. That's sure some flimsy evidence on which to base an entire religion."

     "What would you know, Jason?" Rick replied. "You don't believe in anything."

     "I believe in what can be proved scientifically about the afterlife," Jason said. "Which just so happens to be absolutely nothing." Everyone chuckled.

     "Well," Rick said, "God wrote us the truth in a book called the Bible. That's all the proof Edna and I need."

     Jason's wife raised her hand. "May I say something?"

     Edna offered a quick snort just before giggling. "We know what you're going to say already, Nancy. We're all going to Hell."

     "Yeah," Floyd said. "The only mystery remaining is with or without a handbasket." The room filled with mild laughter. Floyd joked occasionally to help dismantle the tension.

     "Whether you're a believer or not," Nancy said, "you can't live up to such stringent expectations. Christ gave us a mountain to climb, and it turned out to be Everest."

     Rick glanced at Floyd. "Okay. It's clear what Nancy believes when it comes to an afterlife. We all fall short, so we're all going to Hell. Baby brother Jason thinks, since you can't prove anything, awareness stops at death and you simply don't exist. Edna and I are going to lie down with Jesus in the pasture of the sheep and worship His father." He threw a hand up at his sister. "And Christine is going to reincarnate as Arnold Schwartzenegger." He sat back and folded his arms. "So, Floyd, what's it going to be for you?"

     "I believe when a person dies," Floyd said, "he spends his eternity inside the range of knowledge he established during his lifetime."

     "Knowledge is truth?" Edna asked.

     "And truth is eternity," Floyd replied.

     "And Shirley?" Rick said.

     Floyd threw his hand out toward his wife.

     Shirley nodded. "We all will simply become part of the universe."

     Rick sneered. "And become one with God?"

     "That's Hindu," Shirley said. "Buddhists believe there is only the universe … and nothing else. Our energy drifts back into it."

     "So, when you die," Edna said, "you pass … into the universe … as gas?"

     "They say the body does pass gas when it dies." Floyd couldn't help laughing at his own joke, even though Shirley glared at him.

     Edna sat back. "We'll all become a giant flatus in the sky." Everyone giggled. Even Shirley couldn't keep from smiling.

      "Ba-room!" Jason offered. Again everyone laughed.

     Edna stared at the Landers ensemble. "When the rapture comes … we will see who's right."

     "Yes, we'll see, all right," Floyd said.

     A bright flash of light appeared from outside. Everyone covered their eyes. The room darkened again and they all flocked to the windows facing the city.

     "What in the hell …" Jason gasped.

     "What is it?" asked Shirley.

     "It's our damn Arab friends," replied Rick as the lights in the house flickered and went out.

     "Oh, damn," Nancy said as she lowered her head.

     Edna looked at Rick. "They've gone and done it. Really done it." She and her husband fell to their knees in prayer. Shirley clasped her hands together and bowed her head. Christine smiled. Jason and Floyd leaned back and laughed.



Floyd opened his eyes to a disconcerting brightness. Lying on his back, he squinted into the brilliant glow. Sitting up, he surveyed a room with no walls.