ERIC PRINZUL
EARTH PRINCESS

Oh … my … God!

     My life nearly ended the day I was forced to wear them in front of Miss Kornbaugh's last period class. Every kid in there laughed, pointed fingers, and teased me. And if you think that was bad, you should have seen what I discovered after the bell rang.

     I walked into my sixth grade social studies class-and a substitute sat at Miss Kornbaugh's desk. The name Mr. Etee was printed in big, crooked uphill letters on the dry erase board in red.

     I looked him over. Tall, about thirty years old, he wore a smirk just above his tiny beard. Small circular eyeglasses with wire frames rested on a large protruding nose.

     What a rookie! The suit and tie gives him away. This is going to be a fun period.

     From my seat in the back, I looked at Frankie Thornblat next to me, my partner in crime. We winked, and gave each other a high five. Facing the front, I rubbed my hands, grinned, and looked around at all the girls in front of me. I was a medium-sized kid for my age, but I had the reputation of being tough-and I loved to pick on the girls. Frankie did, too.

     Chaztity sat in front of me, so I started by yanking on her ponytail and whispering to the other kids, "Yee-haw. Ride that pony, cowboy."

     Chaztity shot to her feet and raised her hand. The substitute pointed to her.

     "Mr. Etee, I need to move." She poked a thumb over her shoulder at me. "Sir Pest-o-lot is bothering me."

     The substitute rose. He stood over six feet tall, but that never scared me. I sent many big men running and begging for mercy from the principal.

     "I'm well aware of Eric Prinzul and his tendency not to treat you ladies the way you should be treated … like gentle ladies."

     I glanced at Frankie, closed one eye, and shook my head.

     Give us a break. 'Gentle ladies'? Is he trying to make us all puke, or what?

     He glanced down at the seating chart, and then looked up at the girl. "You may move for this period, Chaztity, to whatever seat you so desire."

     Mr. Etee sat as Chaztity collected her notebook, grabbed her book bag off the floor, and stuck her tongue out at me. Then she moved to an empty seat near the front of the same row.

     Frankie and I looked at each other, and I raised my hand.

     "Yes, Mr. Prinzul?"

     I stood up, stuck my nose in the air, and rapidly shook my head. "Chaztity stuck her tongue out at me. Now, how can she be a gentle lady if she does such a childish thing?"

     Mr. Etee smiled. "She did it because you deserved it, and that does not detract even the tiniest iota from her being a gentle lady."

     "Hey," I said, throwing my arms out to either side. "Girls aren't goddesses, you know."

     "Far from it," Frankie added.

     Mr. Etee nodded. "They should be. But as it is, they are every one Earth Princesses, and that is fine enough." He pointed to Frankie. "And stay out of it, Mr. Thornblat. We'll deal with you soon enough."

     Earth Princesses? Why does he like girls so much? He must have five daughters at home … or else someone removed his brain and scrubbed away all his common sense.

     I sat down, reached for my book bag, and removed a sheet of notebook paper and a straw. I felt a touch on my arm and looked over to see Frankie fighting to hold back his laughter. He pointed to Rosa Rodriguez a few seats in front of him.

     I let Mr. Etee give out the class assignment before I loaded up.

     Phew-flew the soggy wad. Splat-on Rosa's left ear it landed.

     The dark Hispanic flew her hand to her ear and whisked away the spitball. Turning, she gave me a glare that could have melted lead. I laughed and held up the straw.

     She turned around, and I let the Black girl, Tamika, have it on the side of her face. Tamika flicked it off and turned to see me giggling. She tapped the redhead, Kira, sitting next to her while I loaded and aimed. As soon as Kira turned around … kerplat!

     Right between the eyes.

     Frankie and I giggled so hard our desks shook. Kira brushed her hand across her forehead and stood up staring at Mr. Etee while pointing to me.

     "Mr. Etee, make Eric stop shooting spitballs."

     Mr. Etee crossed his arms. "Mr. Prinzul." He stuck out a hand palm up, fingers in a fist and waved his forefinger back to himself several times.

     I arrived and he pointed to Mrs. Kornbaugh's tiny supply room.

     "In there, young man."

     I grinned. "You're locking me in a closet? You can get in big trouble for that, you know."

     "I'm not locking you in. I'm going in with you to give you a little advice." He looked at the rest of the class. "Continue with your bookwork, please. Chaztity, you will take the names of any students that misbehave."

     A big smile settled on her face. "Okay, Mr. Etee."

     Look at her. She practically worships him … and all because he called her a gentle lady and made her an Earth Princess. This is too freaky.

     I followed Mr. Etee to the supply room. He turned on the closet light, and we stepped in. I shut the door.

     "So," I said. "What's up … sir?"

     "Don't be cute. I'm here today for you."

     "For me? You mean you took over Miss Kornbaugh's class just for me?"

     He poked me in the chest. "That's right."

     I laughed. "Wow, I'm honored."

     "I didn't come here to honor you. I came to punish you. You are the biggest bully of girls in the school, and it's time your shenanigans stopped."

     "If I knew how to start shenanigans, I'd surely stop them."

     He folded his arms. "You know what I mean. There seems to be no end to your bad behavior." He pulled a little black notebook out of his inside jacket pocket and flipped through it. "There was the kitten incident just last week."

     "What kitten?"

     "Oh, you've forgotten about it already, have you? The little white kitten you and Frankie found. Remember now? You took it into the woods and … well, you did mean things to it."

     I shrugged my shoulders. "We didn't kill it or anything."

     Mr. Etee shook his head. "And then there's the incident with ten-year-old Tabitha Giggleswick, your neighbor across the street. Your buddy Frankie went over to your house to spend the night, and you two sneaked into Tabitha's yard and painted her bicycle hot pink."

     I laughed. "Oh, yeah. That was really funny." He glared at me. "Well, girls like pink anyway. We were doing her a favor."

     He jabbed his hands into his hips. "Oh, you were helping her?"

     I nodded. "Yeah. I always like to help girls." I shoved a thumb in my chest. "It's what I do."

     Mr. Etee snorted. "Sure you do. You help them all right. Right over a cliff, you help them."

     "Look … sir, how did you know I did all those things?"

     He shook his head. "You can't treat girls like that. Girls are … well, it's like I said in the classroom. They're Earth Princesses, and you have to treat them like royalty."

     "Man, what planet are you from? We don't do things like that here on Earth. It's every man for himself, and the geeky girls take care of themselves the best they can."

     Mr. Etee slapped the notebook closed and shoved it back into his inside jacket pocket. "That ends for you today."

     He thrust his hands at me. One held the back of my head while the other covered my face. He chanted something as I struggled, but I couldn't free myself against his strength. Several seconds later, he let go and folded his arms.

     "There, Eric Prinzul. Now, go forth and learn a valuable lesson."

     I shook my head and ran my lips around in a circle to get rid of that pushed-in feeling his hand left on my face.

     "Hey, man, I can sue you for that. Teachers aren't supposed to put their hands on kids. You wait until I tell the principal."

     He leaned back, whipped one hand under an elbow and stroked his chin with the other. "You look … nice." He dropped both arms by his side. "Now, get back to class and suffer the consequences."

     I flipped a hand at him and stepped toward the door. Opening it, I walked into the classroom. A roar of laughter thundered through the room and soon all the kids pointed at me.

     "What's so funny?" I said. "Why don't you all shut up?"

     I pointed to my seat. "I'll tell Frankie to get out my straw and let you all get blasted."

     I stared at the book bag by my desk.

     What the …. It's pink!

     I rammed my fists into my hips. "All right. Who took my book bag and gave me a sissy one?"

     I looked at Frankie. He gawked at me, frozen like a giant icicle.

     He looks like he's paralyzed.

     The kids laughed louder. They pointed at me and jeered. I walked up to Jason and pushed him. He and his seat toppled over. Then I looked at the rest of the class.

     "Just stop it. Stop laughing. I don't see what's so funny … just because I went into the supply room with the substitute teacher … that's not funny."

     "No," Chaztity said, pointing at my legs. "It's not going into the closet that's funny. It's how you look coming out." She bent over guffawing and the rest of the class doubled the level of laughter in the room.

     Shooting a glance at Frankie, I saw him with his head down on his desk rolling it slowly back and forth.

     He's freaked himself out … but over what? Me? What's wrong with me?

     I looked down at my legs and couldn't see them. They were blocked by some cloth. I pushed it in and noticed my legs were bare from the edge of the cloth down to my socks-and then I noticed my sissy-looking shoes.

     I jerked my head up and stared straight ahead as my insides turned to ice.

     "Oh … my … God. I'm wearing a skirt!"